You've felt it. I know you have. It's common to the human condition and without my meds, it gets worse for me.

Waiting on HIPPA to kick in so I can renew my prescription has sent me on a spiral. Out of control, I've spent much of the past week partying like a has-been rock star. I avoid anything meaningful. I struggle to maintain a grip on the reality I've spent so much time building.... reading for leisure, meditating, exercising at the gym, running - not (or at least stopping) smoking. I feel my blood slow down; my mind oozing with discontent. I avoid. I've spent too much money in 4 days trying to avoid everything.

School's starting out slow and I wish that it had shot out at me like a cannonball requiring I outrun it to win. This lack of engagement, this lack of hurry with a sense of impending (catastrophic?) rush in the final weeks, hangs over me like a heavy forest fog early in the morning. Shadow plays catch my eye and I watch as those around me (some anyway) move about as if their world hasn't had a hiccup in years. [and they watch me now that mine's hiccupping once again] Other friends have lives best called working leisure; their jobs fluctuating schedules giving them time to stop by for a few beers at lunch on a Tuesday, a walk in the park mid-day on a Friday, drinks all night on a Wednesday (Who in the heck goes clubbing on a Wednesday night? -- ask me, I'll tell you what I saw - I was there then too.).

Immensely interested in the new study of SQL and Relational Databases I've begun, I must pull myself along to get even an ounce of motivation to pick up the book, to do the exercises. I don't call people when I think of them (or haven't this past 3 weeks). And as the Ambian kicks in now (just out of the Jacuzzi) I realize that even in this mental review I find focus something I want to avoid. Part of me wants to run away from this. Not "this" life, but the life that I feel I should be trying to get back in touch with; the employed life. And I stumble and hem-haw and delay and pick up nick-knacks and clutter-shuffle from one box/room/drawer to another -- I call it productively reorganizing. And sure, it will have benefit that being done so much exterior will appear once again to be orderly. Internally I'm lost.

I'm more lonely now -- right now -- than I think I've felt in maybe 5-6 years. Sunday week I caught a movie with Shane, then headed out to the club. Monday, after class, I joined my friends that night at the local Mexican spot for the pre-club dinner served every week with trays of margaritas. Yes, we all went clubbing that eve. Tuesday I took a break (actually went and ran in the park). After Wednesday's class I had dinner with mom then drove back in to hit the clubs lest they miss me being gone 48-hours. Running into a buddy that wanted to hang out, we did -- until they told us to go home as they locked up the doors. Thursday was Karaoke night, and yes I was there (but no, I didn't sing; I'm sure your relieved to hear my depression hasn't gotten that bad yet). And I ran into a fellow I dated about 4 years ago. He's moved on since and I realized that just the look of him, his pleasant demeanor and conversation made me wish I'd put a ring on his finger way back then (okay, or at least I should have bound and gagged him and drug him back to my place as my slave for a while <g>). It would be good to see him again sometime, but I think he's not ready for that kind of a relationship (okay, honestly, it could be that he just has 'issues' -- but don't we all?). I'll give him some space, but I sure wish he'd return the hat I left at his place accidentally. Friday blended into Saturday so completely that I don't' really recall where or if/when I went to bed -- but we all had a great time out that Sat evening. By 6pm on Sunday I was ready to go again and when I awoke very very late Monday morning, I swore I was back on track. Well, until a last minute call invited me to join buddies out on a Monday night (who the heck goes out on a Monday night? -- ask me, I'll tell you what I saw (if I can remember) - I think I was there too. It's Tuesday now and I've been sober all day.

Now I'm depressed; but I have another weeks worth of meds (I skipped the past 4-5 days) and I should be able to stabilize a wee bit by the time my prescript card arrives (or even more hopefully, the supply arrives from what Bobby got but couldn't tolerate). He says they're in the mail. Although I didn't drink tonight, I still found sitting still to study incredibly challenging and bolted just as quick as I'd completed one chapter read, off to see the Matrix Reloaded again. Yes, this time it made a wee bit more sense. Tomorrow I'll restart my meds and begin my studies in earnest (maybe). Thursday, Shane's going with me to see Tim Rice and Eton John's AIDA here in Houston. ...I'm still anxiously awaiting delivery and seat confirmation of my season ticket to the Opera (soon to be delivered).

lalalalalalal ... this too shall pass. So much more is going on in my head (about the cute younger fella that just graduated with a computer science degree, a smile and quietly approachable disposition that makes you want to just head off to some quiet coffee-shop corner and chat with him to see what he knows) (about the cost of healthcare and how long I can/must put aside money for to ensure it won't lapse) (mom's 3-week absence starts in the morning and her road-trip with my elderly Aunt and how much fun they'll have, and how safe I hope they'll be) (about the balance between looking actively for a job know - and possibly losing the newly re-instated degree plan - or waiting a bit and hoping I don't wait so long as to miss the window of opportunity (which will be really small this go-round as my financial resources clearly indicate mission critical financial failure within the next 3-5 months [a tough spot to be in seeing as I'm already in bankruptcy and they'll just seize the house and contents if I get behind this time]...and getting behind on insurance will cause a cancellation which is permanent and irrevocable and non-negotiable to re-start with another company [a very bad thing given the current concerns I have regarding this.]))

(pray for me if that's what you do; meditations and affirmations are actively sought and gratefully received as well. If you'd like a more active role in helping through this time, find me a really easy-to-get-along-with (cute?) roommate that can afford to live in this area of town. I'm not beyond accepting donations toward the cause. I've begun working on a Wish List o items to post (They'll be up on EBay soon and you can help out anonymously if you wish.) Each of your souls will be hugged...

...the pill's making it tough to finish/focus/type now -- I'll continue this later

(hug)
geoffy
:{)>

Last Updated: 06/10/03

For writings from previous weeks, see the Archives