Soon twinkle lights will be on the Eiffel tower.
Tonight there were no stars from where I sat.
What is permanence?
The lights will exist in that moment when they are out.
The stars (I suppose) are still there, hidden behind the clouds. And I am
reminded of the words to a John Denver song ..."And the moon and the stars are
the same ones you see. It's the same old sun you see up in the sky".
A song about distance, absence, and yes, perhaps, permanence.
Few things I think are truly permanent.
Memory.
....and now I cannot even 'remember' what the others are. Can you?
Some say love is permanent. I think it's temporary, an emotion really. But to
love someone, that can be permanent -- it's a commitment based on a feeling (and
yes, that feeling can change, so making even this kind of love (romantic love)
impermanent)).
But John's song is also about our shared experiences isn't it? Makes the world a
really teeny place when I think that the sun I say goodnight to out West, will
be the same sun my British, Aussie, and Italian friends say hello to tomorrow
morning peeking in from the East. Takes such a short time for it to get from
here to there.
[side note: see the page I put up a while back written by one of the
astronauts.... I still tear-up when I read it....wondering where are those lines
we seem to see so clearly down here.]
Tony's in South Beach, Harold's off to Dallas, LA, and New York (all within the
week) ...that is after he gets back from Lake Charles with the new beau tonight.
Al's a gentleman to be sure, enamored completely with Harold; who, being coy as
he possibly can (which isn't much to tell the truth -- trust me if you know
Harold, you KNOW what I mean!)..who being coy as he possibly can, smiles and
nearly is unable to speak when he says...."he's so ..gulp.. perf...um..attentive.."
drifting into a dreamy wide-eyed googly-faced la-la land. It's love; or as near
a thing to it as I've seen recently.And I get so full of joy when I see this in
my friends. I feel blessed to be witness to it's power; it's numbing.
Dan's moving in with Billy. Things that make you go 'hmmmm'. They'll be fine (I
think they're nearly perfect for each other even if Billy's hesitant to say so);
but sometimes we can trip all over ourselves trying to go out of our way to
please someone we care for... and the opposite is true too.
Fear is a mightily powerful motivator.
I wonder sometimes if John and I weren't reacting in Fear of the AIDS epidemic
as much as we were acting out of attraction to each other when we decided to
'marry'. Fear motivations seldom work, and see, we failed to escape the disease,
and we failed to stay married (or visa versa -- doesn't much matter now does
it?).
I still think John's permanent. Maybe it's his memory; or maybe it's what he
gave me that I wish to keep forever. It may not be love, and it may be between
blinks, never to come on again.... but that doesn't mean it's not there (or does
it?)
And Mr. Denver sings just a wee bit more to finish this missive up tonight: ..."
and though I seem a half a million miles from you, you are in my heart and
living there."
- Linda's well, Lucy's growing up quick, the trees haven't yet arrived for the
planting. Bob's John is taking off for a quick vacation in Mexico, Bob's gonna
meet me up for dinner o'er the weekend (it's been a month since I've see him).
Friday is mother's day dinner (a wee bit early, but will allow me to include my
favorite Aunt whom I've not seen since before her 80th birthday!!)...she's a
true inspiration for living fully and contentedly. I aspire to be her. I wish I
could've arranged to popped down for the weekend to see Tony while he's so
close, but alas, some slow repays on some large debts have hampered my cash flow
- lest the bankruptcy courts find me out. I'll stay home for this one and hope
for a trip to the UK soon. Dad & Suz are planning a vacation; they say they'd
like to visit and I haven't the heart to tell them they're not welcome. After 23
years living away from home they've only once before indicated they were even
remotely curious to see where I lived....they made plans, and I moved things
around to accommodate them, then they skipped out (forgot?) and left to spend
time in the wine country with my sis instead. A wee bit jealous yes, but more
hurt than anything....the child in me wanting to believe that I too mattered;
clearly I did not. And now I will not be the accommodating child to allow them
to feel that they've always done the right thing. Here they have not, no amends
can be made....its too late -- and Houston is full of hotels should they wish to
stop in for dinner. I know it sounds hateful ... and clearly, my giving it this
much landscape on a journal about to close will give evidence of its still
inflammatory feelings.
The car wasn't in need of major (unaffordable) work despite my fearfully putting
off having it looked at for nearly 6 weeks. Fear of death or being stranded,
more than fear of being broke made me take it in this morning for service. A
'free' tire replaced the problem, and to remedy the potential of it occurring
again, I bought it's mate. My concerns all dissipated with a $50 charge and I
felt such the fool for putting it off so long. The boss is flying in to the
States tonight and will be in the office on Monday for a meeting with me.
Something's changing and I'm just not sure what it is. Anticipation used to
upset me....for now I'm managing it well - hoping that it's a surprise that will
not disappoint; ready for anything. The daily balancing, work, bills, keeping in
touch with friends, family, studying (Italian and French (soon) now) -- thinking
about how a formal 'school' class would benefit me if the funds become
available, reading, lectures, attending events, getting drunk with buddies (and
alone), walks in the park, shopping for a bicycle (and some cute underwear <g>),
maybe a new pair of running shoes?, and preparing decorations which can be
packed into a suitcase for the Memorial Day party upcoming in Pensacola,
housekeeping, and planning on a home network, new balcony doors, carpeting,
brake jobs, and shocks.
YEP, lots of shocks to be sure.
stay tuned
love ya all
kind of you to keep coming back
(hug)
geoffy
:{)>
Last Updated: 05/08/03
For writings from previous weeks, see the Archives
