So shines a good deed in a weary world. ...Willy Wonka

The knot on my head still throbs as I type this. Two days have now passed and although I am unable to recall all of the events, I know that he was kind. Often times, if we try, we can find the good in even the worst of situations.

Recalling what I said almost a year ago:
"Integrity is such a hard thing to fake. I met a boy, he's moved on I suppose. My heart leaped out of my chest, it's moved back inside where it belongs I think. Story of many of our lives. ... mistakenly (perhaps) putting it all inside of a dream/ a hope/ a wish for something more - something meaningful. Something non-quick... Something sincere. Sincerity seems such and easy concept to grasp; but from where I'm sitting now ... it seems that it's execution eludes so many in this ... world."

I believe myself to be a good judge of character. Roman (not his real name) was visiting New Orleans as was I, from out of town. A chance meeting, a smile, shared drink, a hug (what a great hug!) and small gestures of intimacy, caring, compassion, and kindness. A jewel to his friends, he seemed somehow just slightly outside of their circle... not fully connected to them - but clearly cherished. And he came 'round to spend some time with me. I knew the rejection I'd likely get when I told him what I would have to tell him; and so I was a bit hesitant; coy perhaps but so much wanting to just feel 'connected'. I felt comfortable in his arms; he held my hand. [Those of you that know me do indeed know the importance I place on holding hands - sharing intimacy without embarrassment. How I believe that the simple connectivity of two hands grasping subtly can say to the world - "look, here's someone I care about".]

And I flounder, wanting to make excuses for his behavior; excuses for mine - I try to reach a final conclusion by praising him and condescending my actions, then about-face and juxtapose the two. He shouldn't have (or should have known/expected) and I did just what any other guy would have done. But these intellectual forte's do not resolve my dilemma know.

What I'm inclined to do has never worked yet I feel it's the release my embarrassment needs.
• I need to say first, Thank you. Thank you for joining with me, albeit briefly. For acknowledging what I told you and not running away or demeaning me as I'd feared. Too, I want to thank you for the smaller things you did that were of heightened interest to me (being the newer guy in the group -- trophy, token, toy, tête-à-tête, something temporary). I was nervous. The embarrassment I'd avoided with you now had to be palpable as nervousness to your friends. And they were kind too. You are so very lucky to have friends like M., D., A., and J.

Because of what I've said here and there, then, I want also to thank you for holding my hand -- for taking that hand-holding and showing it to your friends. I respected your decision to continue holding hands when you introduced me to your friends. So often friends can be both judge and jury; They can try to be each thing to each other person and what I saw was you being true and expecting and receiving from your friends the same sort of honesty. I'm sure I don't' have to tell you that this isn't always the way these introductions are carried out. There do exist some hateful and difficult gay circles, who would have just as easily and quickly clipped my wings, degraded my ego for beginning to feel that I could 'fit in', and then with skillful blows, one by one they could have lanced my pride and drained from me any spirit for wanting to get to know you or them better. I'd have flown away crying and you each would have been left with the stories to tell; developing your own anthropology.

I felt that meeting went well.  Intuitively I felt as though you had something going on inside ...no matter how premature; our conversations seems to tell me that you spend time thinking of these things.

It was a good start. Potentials had opened. And I felt I left with doors open for return another time.

• What I need to say now, is I'm Sorry. What was my wish for continuance and another small step in the right direction was interrupted by grace, kismet, corruption, or fate (or perhaps, by something far far worse - evil). These are things I take little stake of in my daily life. Sure, they've impacted things on my path probably as much as they've impacted things on your path over the years; but I generally believe we are each masters of our destinies and must endeavor to remain in control at all times when doing so is crucial.

On Monday night, I arrived at a spot I'd hope to see you a bit early. A bottle of water and a glass of fruit juice gave at least the appearance that I was there for the same thing everyone else was -- it did look like I as drinking and besides, it was helping quite successfully stave off the dehydration I'd been fighting. Staying sober/ in-control/ was high on my list that day ((you'll understand, I know you will, when I say that drinking less is doing myself a favor of immeasurable proportions -- and so I endeavor to as often as I can)).

I'd been there about 2 hours when you had arrived. I had one large and extremely strong cocktail in addition to the juice and water just prior to your arrival. I'd been dancing and having a good time chatting with a school teacher I thought was a native (since he's there every day) but turns out to be from Philly. I barely remember your arrival. And I remember you walking me to the car -- did you know that I needed to leave? Were you being kind while I was loosing my mind? Were you just trying to minimize the embarrassment I was causing you? Did you just determine that I was some kind of freak and that I needed to get further and further away from you? [Later my friends tell me that they were concerned I'd been given some sort of drug as they'd never seen my talking nonsense and doing some of the craziest things they've ever heard of. -- It was several hours before they were able to calm me down and convince me that I needed to sleep.]

What I do know is this. You walked me to a cab you hailed and tried to get me to go home. An altercation with the cab about 3-4 blocks up the road resulted in my having to bail-out of the cab; but not before he reached around and clipped my eyebrow with a fingernail, pen, or something in his hand. When I came back to the bar I'd licked most of the blood off of my hands and had pressure on the injury so it may not have looked too bad then. I know I saw you again - I'm sorry I do not know what happened between when I next saw you and when my friends picked me up - and the time until I was awake

...and so shines a good deed in a weary world ....

Mardis Gras isn't the right place to work out complicated scenarios like this. On their recommendation, I chose not to re-approach you during the rest of my stay -- something I had a hard time with. My friends encouraged me to put on hold the thoughts'/feelings I have for/about you and give it a week. I think that's a good idea and so I'll put all my thoughts about it down now; perhaps I can do this in detail enough that, at least for me, it'll all become clearer. I wanted to chat with you a bit see if any of this made sense to you - or if I should even bother trying to make sense of it for me. I've been rejected for many things (haven't we all?) and I'm quite sure I can survive this one by putting you into one of thousands of little boxes I put "men that don't work out" into. I just don't want to rush into that right now with you.

What I do know -- and I'll trust my intuition on this - just as I hope you'll trust your intuition like you did the moment we met. I was happy. Something about you filled me up, made me giggle, and gave me great joy to be in a hug with you. Holding your hand felt good. And I would like to be in your company again to begin (again) getting to know you.

geoffy
:{)>

Last Updated: 03/06/03

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