Ugh.

I'm tired. Yeah, that's it.

He asked, "Do you ever get lonely?" Casually, I answer "sure, doesn't everyone?" and the interlude is finished. But I know it's not; in my heart I know the despair I feel -- the futile-ness of engaging and I retire, not wanting to experience it anymore. Soulmate, lifemate, "the one" -- their meanings lost in the hope that when they were used they really meant something; history tells otherwise. My lonely history. Your lonely history too. I'm right - aren't I ? You know, as do I, oh too well, that oft times these are said as solace to our current emptiness -- that at least (we say) at least we did - once - experience true love.

But what good was it? What good did it do if it's gone now? And by it's absence does that not give validity and credit to the question of its presence ever? Do we not both despair? Now that we know the loneliness that we tried so hard to deceive ourselves into believing didn't' exist?

Like being underwater, I hear my heart beat inside - filling my head/emotions/desires/history and longings. Those I've known (you've known) that somehow don't seem to "get it". They're missing this enormous emotion that we feel so deeply/ un-compassionately - they feign understanding. We feign it's insignificance.

...and about now I hurt.
...and about now I should be forgiving John.
...and about now, I'm crying -- wishing for something new; realizing the road I've repeated -- seeing it again - once more - in the future.

...and about now, I'm a busy busy boy. (shane)


vicissitude

is it possible to better this path - or has the best yet already past?

He sleeps with a man who would not, for reasons of status, sleep with me. Magnetic. We were magnetic - and yet the bond broke. Now one pole reversed - inseparable; yet still separate - to late to bond the missing links. Time has healed/ cured/ finalized all that was broken and can no longer be fixed.

I'm a dreamer. I warrior for my loved one's rights.

Billy's words mimic my thoughts: "Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds? Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition? Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom? Do you see everything as an illusion, but enjoy it even though you are not of it? Are you both masculine and feminine? Politically aware? Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom? Are you funny, à la self-deprecating? Like adventure? And have many formed opinions? Are you uninhibited? Up for being experimental? Are you athletic? Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? Are you not addicted? ...curious and communicative... "

so many have thunk the feelings that numb me now.

I am so un-original.

Forgive me.

geoffy
:{)>

Last Updated: 02/22/03

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