Midterms are upon me and life as a student sinks in....will it be 3 or 4 more years? I'll begin the active investigation of Ph.D. programs within the month. Which program, which tests are needed, creating a curriculum vitae (it's been MANY years since it was last updated -- if I can even find it), letters of reference, calculations of incomes and expenses (can I afford this pursuit without a stipend? -- can I afford NOT to do this?), image adjustment ("really" being just a student and not working at nearly 42 years old -- what will people think?)? And what will they think? Often I get comments about my long-term commitment (involvement) with university life ... will I ever finish? ... will I ever get a career? ... or is this your career? and how DO you afford it? [little do they know how little one can live on] And I worry a bit (okay a lot) about my health and maintaining insurance (cobra expires in November '04 -- just after the program will begin; will I be able to get insurance from the school like an employee, being a Ph.D. candidate, will I need another job (just to get healthcare benefits), or will I be able to convert this policy to a private policy (and if so, will I be able to afford the premiums on either a stipend or financial aid?).

I'm not opposed to taking on a roommate. Russ has indicated that Houston's on his short list of where he'd like to relocate to once school's out in Florida within the next few semesters. Having him here would be a tremendous help, both financially, and emotionally --> he's 'good' people, and I so much enjoy learning from him how he attacks life's challenges and always has this enviably grounded sense of what is right and what needs to be done/said. (It must be that Montana upbringing -- he's a treasure and I'm so grateful that despite the distances, we've been able to stay in touch.)

I'm told I shouldn't work once accepted into the program, so I wonder if there'll be enough money.  I have some fears. So much of this scenario's working out just so will depend on things I have little or no direct control over.

This is important to me because I've had "6" lay-offs in 6 years. It seems I've hardly worked half of that time, but the truth is more like a friend pointed out -- I haven't worked a summer in a long, long, long, time. And this summer's been no different. Yeah, I am still pulling a couple of parties with the caterer -- easy and fairly good money -- and they seem to respect my position enough to offer me spots without being too demanding of my time. They are nice people and while I don't mind this work, I know it's not what I want to do the rest of my life.

And so I stress. And I stress knowing that stress is the worst possible thing for me, and can lead to even more things to be even more stressed about later. SO I have a list -- an action list. Things to get done. It's not too challenging, but they are things with deadlines and costs, and while I'm sure I can make the deadlines, I'm not too sure about making the costs.

I take sleeping pills fairly regularly now, and I've given up on quitting smoking; acknowledging that the weight I've gained is probably at least in some part directly related to still smoking. I haven't been to the gym since the doctor suggested I take a break 4 months ago. Getting re-motivated is tough now will all the things I'm thinking about. And here come the holidays - the spending season. Dad wants me to join the family in FLA for Thanksgiving, and while I am thankful, I am without a means to get there on my own (he's buying a ticket for me) and I wonder if it will be stressful (a bad thing for me) or a relaxing visit with my sister and the nieces and nephews (I hope and pray for the latter). I just don't have the energy to argue.

And after a brief spat with my best friend the other night, it's become unquestionably clear to me, that I do not know how to argue properly. Indeed, I may have lost all skill at even determining what IS an argument and instead I overreacted to a 'discussion' in which I felt I was being attacked. My solution -- childish as it is (and hateful too) was to simply say "F*** Y**". I felt like I just gave up. I lost my patience and I felt cornered by someone I know would never intend on hurting me. Someone I love.

For some things, an apology just isn't enough to make the boo boos go away. I'm afraid I hurt my soul and our relationship took a big hit with my callousness. I ache in hopes that time will heal this. I am fearful that if I do not learn how to negotiate these tiffs/arguments/heated debates, then I will be cursed to be friendless. I want to learn how to behave in such a way, that every time, every time I speak, every time I move, every time I say something or look at something, there is no un-clarity, there is no confusion, and nothing but the joy I feel in my heart can come through. I want to learn how to let this light of goodness shine through even when the other person may be casting shadows and darkness. I want to learn how to use my light to lift up their souls too.

This is a path. It's not the only path, but it's the one I'm on and I want to walk it proudly, with presence of mind and body so that those I encounter will know that I am a gentle being. I wish you no harm.

(hug)
geoffy
:{)>

Last Updated: 10/10/03

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