I picture it starting on my chest. Two or so inches up and over from my nipple. It begins like a pin-prick. It grows warm quickly. My mind reels trying to take it all in; trying to process what's happening as what is happening changes in so many ways so quickly. Soon I'll lose conscientiousness but now I dissect it into it's atomic parts. A wetness trickles down my chest; flesh torn. Spasms pulling my shoulders in tight as I exhale so quickly it can be heard 10 feet away. Something smells burnt - a muscle twitches. My right hand reaches up to cover the entry with my palm; my left hand doesn't know what to do so it draws up, useless. The warmth grows to the size of a baseball, my heart races. Blood now flows down across my abdomen; I can hardly catch the breath that was knocked out of me. Like a headache that fills my body my head throbs, my knees buckle. I cannot brace myself against the fall so I twist slightly to the left. My right shoulder and forehead hit hard the ground which was beneath my feet. A bone breaks, my body temperature falls. I feel light-headed. Dizzy and confused, I look around for where it came from. I know it's over soon, I'm dying. The bullet has ripped into my heart, only seconds remain and I think about....

That's as far as I got. Visualizing what it might be like to be shot, once, in the chest. And as I process this 5-minute session, I think of the many boys and men that will be shot in combat this year - should the war happen. One gunshot as I think it would happen here; knowing that they are likely to have multiples in various places in their bodies. It's numbing; and the senselessness of it all crushes down on me with a weight I cannot describe. I hurt for the world.

-----------

I met Billy last night. Energetic and engaging with a smile that's almost constant and brown eyes that actually twinkle (something I've never seen before). He's working on finding himself this year he says, trying to not make mistakes he made last year - but I never really asked what those were. No, this wasn't a romantic evening. And how blessed I felt by that - not to feel like I had to be on my best behavior; not to worry if they liked me as much as I (hoped I) liked them. He might become a friend. We have a few things in common. I value his kindness. I'm not sure if he'd think of himself that way - seeing as he's told me of some really awful things he's done. I valued his directness -- he gives the impression of a 'no bullshit' kinda guy. But there's nothing harsh in his assertive tone; he has a confidence and this energy that's like a little boy giggling, way down deep inside of him -- it just emanates through his words and the way he looks at you.

It's been a two-or-so-week time of a great deal of reflection. Contemplation of housing arrangements, career progression, dating status, school status, and even the whole idea of maintaining the status quo. No changes are happening now that I can see (or that'll I'll speak to just now), but it feels like there's a whisper on the wind that something this year may make a difference to the course the rest of my life takes.

Of course, each year does that to me -- if you know me well enough you should've already guessed that. <wink>

...hmmm, I'll stop there.

(hug)

geoffy
:{)>
Last Updated: 01/26/03

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