May 22, 2002

“some days are diamonds, some days are coal” john Denver

Seems anymore I pull out John Denver and listen to him over and over again.  He’s got a sing-along sound that, I’d like to think, I sound good to.  Anyhow, I sound good enough to sing out loud with the windows down, radio blaring on my way to and from work these days.  Houston’s been blessed with the most fantastic weather this past week or more.  Spring fever clearly has hold o’ me.

But unlike the past, this time ‘round I’ve been more than motivated for work.  Or maybe better said, more than motivated to just DO something/ anything productive.

It’s been about a month now since my last writing, and Linda says it’s probably the lack of writing that’s led to my fiercely active and visually stunning dreams those few days last week.  Of course, the culmination of lots of things probably has its play in there somewhere.  I mean gosh.  After coming back from London about 5 weeks ago, I have been out of town twice for weekend getaways and had visitors twice as well.

Russ and his roomie Alex were joys to be ‘round.  What a mess I caused there though; don’t think those boys played hooky from work so much ever before.  It was kind of Alex to take the day off to hang around with us.  He’s a big gentle man and has a really kind soul.  I was pleased to make his acquaintance.  And he’s, well, I’d like to think, sortta perfect for Russ right now.  Russ seems to be experimenting with the boundaries of life, love, play, work, working out, and dreaming of other things.  He’s clearly hooked on the Florida lifestyle and I found myself easily able to see moving back down there.  The pace is so, so perfect; and the boys so beautiful – and Plentiful!!  Parliament House (Russ’ ‘other’ job) hasn’t changed all that much in the nearly 20 years since I’d been there.   Although, under Alex’s guidance and my attained age and confidence, I finally felt safe enough to venture down to the lake shore to see what I could see.   The stories about the activities down there used to scare me.  4 years later, they would have completely enticed me!, but alas, I’d moved on by then.  Nothing was going on any more.  Same situation with all the doors open and such (you get the picture), boys meeting boys, boys walking their dog, drag queen with dogs, and dogs being dogs.  Heck even some of the dogs were queens in their cute li’l outfits.

Alex has a pug puppy – and she’s so PRECIOUS!!  Friends of theirs are darling too. One couple even had a pair of pugs. (must be a new Florida thing)  It was a whirlwind tour of parties and a bit of shopping.  Russ’ best mate came along for part of the weekend too.  He’s just broken it off with a long-time boyfriend and he seemed, well, he seemed mostly relieved (there was one occasion when I’d say he was being so ‘southern’ to let the fella pester him at an VERY inconvenient time).  Seems you can break up sometimes and still love someone.  I think he cares still about this other fella but ya know? Sometimes it’s best to just move on.

Hany visited, as did Bobby for the wonderful weekend of the Houston International Festival.  We played a bit too much at the clubs two of those nights, but still got in some good ‘just walking around town’ (something, for those of you yet to visit, to know is that in Houston – we DON’T walk anywhere!)  We got to see the art car parade and catch quite a bit of sun – which may have led to my catching a summer cold.  It was a shame really; I think it affected Hany’s mood and his interest in staying.  I wonder if a return trip to try it out again is outta the question; haven’t talked to him since his departure.

Last two weekends around home were quite productive as well.  Although then I wasn’t ‘xactly feeling so right.  I mean the dreams started and I hadn’t slept well.  I started longing to hear from John again, and for days now I haven’t been able to get him outta my head.  It’ll be 4-year anniversary of his official abandonment in about 3 more weeks.  I remember getting pretty weird out during the past two anniversaries too.  You’d think after 4 years it have eased up a bit – but the feelings still (in waves between long flat spells) feel overwhelming.   It’s kinda weird to wake up hearing your name being called, walk downstairs and look around to only realize he’s never even SEEN this place, much less would he be there calling me.  Contact has become a very pregnant pause between us – while the new relationship he’s building incubates.  I wish him and Jason well.  A brief, did I say brief?, I meant VERY BRIEF e-note from him indicated he’d moved to the other side o’ the hill for bigger digs.  Hope that’s a good thing – he had such an incredible view of the city and the mountains in the distant (when the clouds moved).

Mom’s been up to see the grandkids and brought back sore muscles, and lots of pictures and smiles.  She really enjoyed a week hanging out with them while Pat was off golfing and they had a school break.  Ruth fell while trying to figure out what kind of plant was crowding in on her tomatoes (it was cabbage).  Seems she tripped o’er some wire that had been stretched out to mark off territories.  Face into the gravel so hard she didn’t know if she’d lost all her teeth.  Then a week later into the hospital for 5 days (ON HER BIRTHDAY!! Of all days!!) to have some colon polyps removed.  Cancer.  eek

They say they got it all, she says no chemo.  Well, maybe she’ll change her mind after seeing the oncologist this week.  Mom’s had a colonoscopy (oh so much fun, “I” know) and it turned out okay (like mine).  And today I read about a new non-invasive way to do it that is being distributed across the nation.  If we could’ve just waited we would have color photos generated of our insides taken from our outsides – so Star Trek.

Looks like I could be traveling again anytime now.  First I’m getting some days of rest and relaxation down on the Gulf of Mexico beaches in Pensacola, Florida.  Each of the past 3 years my buddies invited me to join, and this is the first time I’ll be able to make it; I leave Friday.

School finished two weeks ago and despite having the flu and several weeks of distractions, I got my paper in (albeit a few days late) and I should know my grade sometime tomorrow.  No worries ….I always do well in these things.

Had a call outta the blue from Jody.  He’s gotten a bit sick and went back to Colorado for some of mom’s cooking. He’s planning on being back in LA real soon and I may just have to plan a trip out to see him – it’s been 2 years since we last visited!  I had a ticket to see Linda and Lucy come the first weekend in June – I was hoping to visit and see Quidam with them but they’re gonna be REALLY REALLY busy getting ready for one of Lucy’s Aunts’ weddings.  Lucy’s gonna be the ring-bearer.  So we’re thinking maybe a trip to Disney would be a good substitute later this year.  Now if we could just pick a time when we know we’ll both be around and not busy somewheres else.

Work says somewhere in Oregon is really likely in about 2 weeks, and then London again within 2 more after that.  I’d truly love to see the foggy city when it’s in summer-time bloom.  For now, my 4 days in Berlin are cancelled, but Sean and I are talking of doing something tropical later this year.  I think Easter Island, Fiji, and some of the smaller Polynesian islands would be fun.  He’s more inclined to choose a big city somewhere else – think I can get him to consider Singapore?  Well, IF it happens, it’ll be fun – he’s good traveling with.  We trust each other implicitly and never have to worry ‘bout one or the other wandering off for long.

Pictures in from Florida and the visitors just went out in the mail.  Someday, MAYBE, someday, I will get my ol’ computer back up and running so I can scan them in and update my web.  I miss that.

I miss you.  I miss your reading and looking, then sending me notes.  Work’s shut off all my instant messenger programs and sometimes I feel so outta touch.

I caught (as did Bob) last weeks lecture on modern design and then had a lovely Ethiopian dinner with a glass of wine on a balcony with him.  He seemed to think it was funny when I told him I saw him as if he had a HUGE funnel coming out of the top of his head…. Capturing everything, then filtering it out, judging it sometimes, and discarding it at others.

We all do that don’t we?  I mean we take in (or take on) an awful lot, perhaps knowing (even if it’s subconsciously) that we won’t want it all.  So we pick and choose from our prejudices and justify it with our experiences and limited time/patience/understanding/ego so that all we have left is snippets of the world to work with – to analyze.  To remember.  Memories make me happy most of the time. Yes, even the sad ones – for at least there was something to remember.

I remember Jeremy.  In 4-5 weeks, it’ll be 1 year since he died.

I remember Jeanne Renee who never got the chance to see Texas or meet John – she’d have loved both.

I remember making love on the floorboard of a motor home in Florida during a space shuttle liftoff (VVVRRRRROOOMMMM)

I remember a wax-candle dog when I was 10 (mom still has it)

I remember my first kiss (yeck!) and my first “real’ kiss (O la la) and my first… oh we won’t go there <evil grin>

I remember dancing in the dark of a disco and seeing his eyes

I remember his eyes seeing the rings

I remember kissing Dexter on his head as he lay down to sleep the last time

I remember kissing Buster right on the lips! Just before I got in my car and drove away

I remember the person and the time I first said I was gay

I remember a Santa Claus shaped birthday cake

I remember solving Myst (with a little bit of help)

I remember stories of ‘bubbles’ – cause there wasn’t anything else to use (HA!)

I remember making a call from jail once – thinking it was my last call / wishing it was

I remember the way my grandmother hugged me and the way my grandfather did too (after I did a ‘special’ secret chore for him)

I remember learning to whistle and learning to whittle from the same old man

I remember discovering the whipping cream in a can can be fun sometimes (and upsetting at others)

I remember the feel of crashing my motorcycle – but no more clearly than I remember the feeling of the wind rushing though my hair

I remember the first time I tried to ‘date’ after John left – and how good Sean was at holding me because I just lost it and cried and cried and cried.

Some days are diamonds, some days are coal…. Lately the coal’s getting crushed.  Look for the precious sparkles soon.

<wink>

Last Updated: 06/12/02

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