Surrounded by what appeared to be the kind of group most gay men would die to be a member of, I heard their stories summed up in a simple phrase spoken to me as a compliment (I hope!) via one of the party's attendees. They were all handsome men from a local gym; some partnered, some not, some not sure. We mixed and mingled and as colorful Jell-O-shots circulated like the cool air coming in from outside when the door was opened, he says to me, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but, erh, uh, well, YOU are the only 'normal' guy here." And he blushed so I'm thinking, "he must've meant it. Didn't seem he had an ulterior motive in flattering me, so I wonder -- what's going on beneath the surface of this gathering of eye candy that this would be spoken to me, the newest arrival to this group?" He was so candid and seemed open enough to talk, so I asked. Stories unfold once tongues are loosed with a bit of time (and a few more drinks didn't hurt either). The drama exposed and I felt my picture of perfection smeared by the truth - the way things are for many people.

Still - that one over there he's cute. ...and what about that fella ove..... --him?-- You need to meet.... Oh, girl, you just haven't heard have you, we simply MUST step outside.

The drama the drama the dra m a -- it slays me.

Eating a burger with Shane the next day I realize that he sees beyond the gloss all the time and it's eating away at him bringing him toward his disenchantment. He wavers between wanting to be ((desperately wanting to be)) married and unsure of the independence his singular lifestyle could sustain if he met someone. And in having met someone myself, I relate my excitement and hesitation. How it's all balled up into the same feeling -- like wanting to run really really fast but only in a teeny little circle -- or stretching out my arms and flying high wide arching circles looping back and looping back upon themselves in the air but making no progress. We shared how we both wonder how to balance that personal time we get so much of when we're single with the shared time we both so long for in being with some one. And I tell him the story of the party the night before. The drama. And we nervously giggle that maybe that wouldn't' be so bad - 'cuz at least they "have someone". We both know that's not how we feel.

It's tough you know. For me coming from a place where I know what REAL love feels like and unwilling to substitute it for anything fake or transient or kinesthetic. And Shane who's history is opposite mine and nonetheless impacts his sense of what he wants and what he'll settle for in much the same sort of profound way. I don't think he'll "settle" at all. I silently hope it isn't his self-curse that prevents him from getting his share of joy. I silently hope that my illusion of joy doesn't prevent me from recognizing it when it comes calling with a new face under a different sky offering a different set of -- whatever. Not knowing, knowing, wouldn't make a difference now. I just want to be surprised.

being surprised - now THAT would be normal.

The world's getting busier by the hour now. My first exam this coming weekend - just in time to get outta town to Mardis Gras (WOO HOO!). I'll be so happy to see my buddies down in Louisiana -- they're always such wonderful people to hang out with . And I'll return just in time to finish up preparations for some schedule crunches going on at work. I feel like the slide's at the top of the hill and we're just 'bout ready to push off.

(hang on)

Last Updated: 02/03/02

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