Joy's back. Well maybe not fully, but she's made her presence known. Humming. I've caught myself humming to myself several times o'er the past few days.... it feels good. In fact I found myself able to let small irritations fly by without getting bothered; indeed, I was somewhat amused. It seems I visualize myself floating above the situation, watching. Wondering if what's going on actually has anything to do with ME? If it somehow gets between me and Joy? If it can be overlooked - assuming it needs acknowledgement at all; mayhap 'tis best to simply ignore the irritant. Easy enough done lest of course you  find that YOU ARE the irritant. 

Take Tiggerrr - he knows; heck he's pushing his paw out at me right now trying to make a statement, gazing at me intently as I  sit here and type, only occasionally looking up (self-admittedly with a GIGGLE), to see what he's doing  about it.  I suppose he's inviting us to take a looooong loooong look at how we move about - the physical bits of how our space works for us  or not.   Lets say you have a party to get to.  Maybe not but just the same I supposed there's some rule of how you are supposed to behave should ever a REAL party come along.  Now Tigger, he knows pretty much when it's okay to bounce and bounce.  He knows when he's needing to calm down and get serious.  Sometimes he chooses to - at other times he doesn't.  Free will can mitigate these choices.  But generally the rules remain.

So here I was, playing some sort of hide-n-seek game with Joy as she tried harder and harder to merge with my doppleganger rather than walk right up and take my hand.  She's gunshy or perhaps a seer -- perhaps she knows what will come is that I'll loose myself of her grasp again and the cycle will repeat.  Or maybe it's really ME - giving off some wicked little "come here little girl" taunt in order to get her closer - knowing that my method's will save to stay her off a bit longer.  Yes, she's my muse, she's many things that I allow to help me. I've learned her lessons and despite my want of independence, she's still very much welcome; sit on my shoulders, dance on top my head, wrap her legs around me and ride me like a pony.  

She's welcome; so good to have her back. It's strange how much one can miss giggling.

It's strange how much one can miss and not be able to label it; but just "feel" it. I've felt it's absence, the black hole of lost, things that cannot be named, yet matter. Gone.

But Joy, JOY, J O Y can make the whole world work for me. Having her with me inspires me, gives me tools for managing stress (and the big one: "FEAR").

Now mind you this took some time to get here - and although I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the wonderful two days with my two buddies this past weekend, if I had the power of time, I'd turn it back and do it again - not so much to relive it - but to make a few MAJOR course corrections! Thank God we're all still here. (NB: A proper 'gentleman' upon consuming hideous amounts of vodka and other assorted adult beverages should not - if at all possible (and one should go OUT OF THEIR WAY to make it NOT POSSIBLE) - spew from the back seat of a BMW.)  Or as the cop would say, he can't drive he's too busy throwin' up!  Truly, a fella wouldn't do such a thing - and if I did, then grace saw to it that I blacked out and don't have to remember the look of it on the officers shoes for approaching too soon.  I WAS ill.   Leave it to say, that if you do choose to bring along a friend, make sure he's of the type that is in thorough control of the movement of the heavens and the stars, and all that fall within his good graces.  Russ, mind you, is a angel, but not near Godly enough to manage this task.  So we wrecked; heaven help us.  And clearly without HIS omnipotence it could've been much worse.  Nobody was hurt, the two vehicles were towed off, and the other party headed back into the bar from whence they'd come.

And we, I'm told (for surely I don't recall it myself) took a taxi (of non-descript color or driver) to be dropped (probably quite literally) on Bobby's drive.  For despite my awakening the next day in a proper bed - my cell phone was found asleep in the center of the driveway, drained completely as was I.

It took most of that day to recover (Piccadilly is a lifesaver) and the costumes were quite fantastic (Pictures up REAL soon).  The three of us to-be Dragonflies were ever-so-late getting to Rusty and Stave's, that they'd given up waiting and had already left for the Quarter.   We made do with happy meals and a makeup session for each of us beside the McDonalds Playground.  It was fun.  The Quarter was busy but not packed, the party wonderful if you had the energy.  And to be honest the lower level of energy allowed me more time to ponder the wild costumes, handsome men, and creativity of the attendees.  Gay people are so much fun!  The show presented atop the huge stage was quite awesome and lasted a good 3 hours slowly on-going whilst the party raged on with full-out dance music only every so infrequently intermixed with a mood song to draw your attention to the stage.

I'm back now.  Two weeks of training back-to-back are upon me and even though I've loopity-looped twice the richter scale in stress - I was back to whistling and humming by days end.  Being busy will be good for me -- THIS is what I like to do -- finally I'm getting a chance to go it again (and solo too!).

New pictures/website of a nearby neighbor - handsome lad - make me wonder if my "situation" would matter.  Another's brown eyes at the local store lead me to want to offer a date - I hesitate.  I'll wait.  And ponder the future.  I don't want to be alone but expect that's something I need to continue getting used to.  It's the way the world works for most of us.

Now that she's back I'm hoping I can encourage her to come over here and just smack me hard once in the chin -- that'll help me snap outta it.

....oh Joy?..........  oh JOOOOY?.......Joy, are you here?         JOoooooooooooy, here I aamm - come and get me.

sssshhhh -- be quiet and watch her sneak up on me.

geoffy :{)>

updated: halloween, 2002

For writings from previous weeks, see the Archives