Have you ever been where it's so dark that the night sky lights up? Out in the country, or on a mountain high up where city lights don't drown out the stars? Where you can see hundreds if not thousands of tiny (and some bright) dots in the pitch black sky?

I have. I remember my uncle telling me the names of all the constellations and pointing out that light-filled swirl of stars we call the Milky Way. Big dipper (Ursa Major - The greater bear), Little dipper (Ursa Minor - The lesser bear - and Draco), Orions Belt, Canus Major (The greater dog), Canus Minor (The lesser dog). Perseus angered at having been ousted as Zeus' bastard child and was sent off to Kill Medusa.

Nearby in the sky Cassiopeia is watching over Andromeda as they were both to be sacrificed to Cetus or Draco (both close at hand in the night sky). Perseus frees them then heads off to slay Medusa. Pegasus was born at the moment Perseus cuts off Medusa's head and you can see him flying off trying to evading Perseus. I don't know all the stories anymore and can barely point out the characters that make up much of our mythology but I enjoy watching the stars from my Jacuzzi. For me it is joy. Joy can come in so many subtle disguises - it doesn't have to be "right" or "perfect" or "on time" or "in sufficient quantity". Most often though it does need to be "intended" or "acted upon" or "initiated" or at the minimum - "acknowledged". 

I started the day out bitter. Angry that kindness and etiquette were dropped, perhaps intentionally, by someone I've long called buddy. Contemplating the past and finding many -- oh too too many examples of the same behaviour. Then I got angry. Enraged at myself for not noticing it before - for being such a softie and allowing myself to be taken advantage of - time-and-time-again -- even now. What my heart knows (it begins to doubt). What my mind says (its tired of being the one to initiate contact and communication). These things gave me stress today - they limited my joy. They hurt but not in a way that makes you grieve silently or rant and rage out loud - they have that inside, nagging, won't-go-away-headachy feeling. Pain can be subtle too.

So how do we reconcile this subtle joy with this subtle pain. Must we reconcile at all? Can we stir them up into more pronounced feelings and help them remain true to their nature. What harm could come of that?

...for me, I'm afraid I'd lose the kind soul I've only just gotten back in touch with. Breath in anger - Breath out joy - Breath in Hate - Breath out love.

The things that seem to make our physical bodies act do nothing to quell the mental states that support those actions. That must come from some deeper level of release - for by now I know, control seldom does.

...a father runs along side his daughter just as the sun is setting....she's taken the training wheels off and this will be her first free-ride....gently and not to get in the way, ever so often the father touches the handle bars to correct the inevitable twist-then-crash and fall (to save hurt feelings) and to offer the opportunity for self-pride to take a STRONG footing. If done with aplomb this is the result. Grabbing the wheel and never letting go will create dependence and insecurity in the child. Sitting back non-involved she may learn to ride on her own and gain a great sense of accomplishment but never know the level of caring the father running along has.

I ran along for at least 7 years. The last year I couldn't tell if I was grabbing the wheel, or sitting down non-complacent. I do know what happened. I'd gained over a hundred pounds. I'd put on over 14" additional in my waist. I'd stopped eating healthily and consumed caffeine daily and smoked two pack of cigarettes each day. Ice cream munchies every night gave me enough of a sugar crash to challenge my stress level and allow me to pass out in the bed. The rose-colored glassed began to make the whole world look like it would never change, so I ate more, worked more, quit school, sat at home more. Bored and afraid of being boring I was depressed. Low libido, low energy, caring less and less - I was depressed and didn't acknowledge it. (that's my side of the story)

But I'm better now. Much. Depression seldom knocks to even visit for a day or two anymore. I seldom catch a cold or get sick. I remain active and social and get almost as much as I give; and I'm almost okay with that - it's such a new thing guys -- thanks to all of you. My therapists - my healers, my helpers, my friends. Hany, Tony, Brendan, Jenn, Russ, Sean, Linda and even Jody <g> each of you keep me keeping on. Each of you give me joy. And that's all I ever wanna see anymore.

((GROUP HUG)) ....wish that was possible <G>

Last Updated: 1/07/02

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