Weekly Notes for: 5/6/01

So why does it seem so hard to get to the hard part? Seems everyone I’ve met over the past few months only wants to do what’s easy. Sex. The easy part. Or they just want to avoid the hard part. Playing some middle-ground to stay safe. Don’t expose yourself and you won’t get hurt. Don’t let them know how you feel, they may use it against you. It sucks – I swear.

What about hand-holding? What about the calls-out-of-the-blue-just-to-say-hello? What about talking – not about the boy you saw at the bar, the movie you read about, the drama at the local coffee shop, or the latest trinket you bought. I’m talking about "talking". You know, the REAL stuff. The "who" you are, the "what" you like, the "why" you feel like you do. And the parts about how you think the world works, your place in it, and where you’d like to be. I’m talking about giggling AND being serious. What about all that?

What about the sharing? I like that. I feel like I’m becoming selfish and I HATE it. I’m finding that I’ve become aware of what I do – things I used to do just because they made ME happy to see others happy. I’m feeling like I’ve started keeping a scorecard and I resent the hell out of it. Hateful, selfish people have spurned this in me and I’m sick to stop it. I loathe this accounting system I’m developing.

It wouldn’t be fair to say I’ve only met people interested in sex, or selfish pursuits. That would be either egotistical on my part or terribly cynical. Neither would be completely true. Not completely. But most don’t want to venture out of some neutral "how’s your day" "how’s the weather" conversation. And I’m bored with that. Meet me, call me, would you mind doing X Y or Z for me? I’m tired of that too. If it hadn’t been for one boy – yeah a young fella – I think I’d have given up on it all. Men suck. Gay men are the worst. Save for this boy, he’s saved my ideals.

No, I’m not infatuated – far from it actually. But re-enchanted at the very moment I was near despair. That might be closer to what’s happened. So I’ll make it now. Hope looms in youth. Perhaps. He doesn’t see it yet. But it’s there. He’s still chasing that illusion we all chased. Hope he gets it… I did for a while and I’m all the better for it. If not, the cycle will start again. Age gives a different perspective doesn’t it?

We’re all selfish to some degree and I’d be way out of line to say that I thought that was all bad. We have to take care of ourselves to take care of others. But to the exclusion of being a giving spirit – that’s where it’s gonna hurt. I think it’s through service to others that we divine our love – our purpose. Keeping score, that’ll never make anyone happy.

Today I’m cleaning off the score card and putting it back in the drawer. Hope I never take it out again. Thanks pup-daddy.